This past week has been extremely difficult. I cannot stress to you how hard it has been.
Nothing bad has happened and it will seem small to anyone but me, because obviously it is MY problem.
I have been battleling homesickness. Read the books, articles, thought I was ready to tackle it. I have never truly experienced this before. And it is hard.
Like physically and emotionally taxing. There's nothing that I can pin point about why I am feeling homesick which makes it even harder to explain to others...it just is, it just happens.
And there's no real cure. It will come and go as it chooses.
Especially at night, thoughts flood my brain and tears drip from my eyes until the late hours of the morning.
As I battle this, I am reminded that God knows exactly how I feel. Even when I can't explain it to others, God knows.
Jesus was constantly away from His family.
I have felt so loved this past week, friends willing to stay up as long as I needed. Parents readily available. Teammates proactively planning routine fellowship times. The prayers of my grandparents.
I can sense it getting better...slowly but surely.
It has caused me to understand a lot better what my parents went through. As a child growing up on the mission field, the perspective that I had was a lot different.
My mom is a go-getter. She made time for anyone and everyone. She was always out with the ladies. She didn't even like to grocery shop alone. She would pile the van full of ten to fifteen women just to go grocery shopping. When she cooked dinner, anyone that rang the doorbell was not burdensome rather all it meant was put another plate on the table. She taught exercise classes (she didn't know anything about exercise) She taught English classes. She went to more weddings than is humanly possible. And yet she always made time for her family and more people if need be. She is an extrovert to the extreme. She raised three kids and found time for everything else. She even had a furniture ministry. I tend to have a hard time hearing people say "I'm busy" it's like nails on a chalk board to my ears.
But never once in all this, did I see her get homesick. I'm sure she was. I know she was. Because now she is giving me her own advice.
But she handled herself with poise and grace on a daily basis, that even I, her daughter had no idea that she was giving up moments with her parents to share Christ love with others.
Now that I am realizing what she gave up and how she acted when the hard times came, my respect for her only intensifies tremendously.
Her heartbeat has always been wherever the Lord places her. And that is what I want my life to emulate.
I may be homesick today, tomorrow, this week. But I am where God wants me and He will get me through this. He obviously did for my mom because we almost had to tie her to the plane to get her to leave Belgium and yet she had felt the experiences of homesickness.
That gives me comfort, that this is not only a normal thing to experience but it's not an end all either. It's just the second stage of St. Petersburg becoming my home. I have to pass through this in order to get to the next stage.
"Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. The love of God is of a different nature altogether… It stands in the very teeth of suffering. The love of God did not protect His own Son. That was the proof of his love… He will not necessarily protect us - not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process." -Passion & Purity
Nothing bad has happened and it will seem small to anyone but me, because obviously it is MY problem.
I have been battleling homesickness. Read the books, articles, thought I was ready to tackle it. I have never truly experienced this before. And it is hard.
Like physically and emotionally taxing. There's nothing that I can pin point about why I am feeling homesick which makes it even harder to explain to others...it just is, it just happens.
And there's no real cure. It will come and go as it chooses.
Especially at night, thoughts flood my brain and tears drip from my eyes until the late hours of the morning.
As I battle this, I am reminded that God knows exactly how I feel. Even when I can't explain it to others, God knows.
Jesus was constantly away from His family.
I have felt so loved this past week, friends willing to stay up as long as I needed. Parents readily available. Teammates proactively planning routine fellowship times. The prayers of my grandparents.
I can sense it getting better...slowly but surely.
It has caused me to understand a lot better what my parents went through. As a child growing up on the mission field, the perspective that I had was a lot different.
My mom is a go-getter. She made time for anyone and everyone. She was always out with the ladies. She didn't even like to grocery shop alone. She would pile the van full of ten to fifteen women just to go grocery shopping. When she cooked dinner, anyone that rang the doorbell was not burdensome rather all it meant was put another plate on the table. She taught exercise classes (she didn't know anything about exercise) She taught English classes. She went to more weddings than is humanly possible. And yet she always made time for her family and more people if need be. She is an extrovert to the extreme. She raised three kids and found time for everything else. She even had a furniture ministry. I tend to have a hard time hearing people say "I'm busy" it's like nails on a chalk board to my ears.
But never once in all this, did I see her get homesick. I'm sure she was. I know she was. Because now she is giving me her own advice.
But she handled herself with poise and grace on a daily basis, that even I, her daughter had no idea that she was giving up moments with her parents to share Christ love with others.
Now that I am realizing what she gave up and how she acted when the hard times came, my respect for her only intensifies tremendously.
Her heartbeat has always been wherever the Lord places her. And that is what I want my life to emulate.
I may be homesick today, tomorrow, this week. But I am where God wants me and He will get me through this. He obviously did for my mom because we almost had to tie her to the plane to get her to leave Belgium and yet she had felt the experiences of homesickness.
That gives me comfort, that this is not only a normal thing to experience but it's not an end all either. It's just the second stage of St. Petersburg becoming my home. I have to pass through this in order to get to the next stage.
"Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. The love of God is of a different nature altogether… It stands in the very teeth of suffering. The love of God did not protect His own Son. That was the proof of his love… He will not necessarily protect us - not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process." -Passion & Purity
Precious Lydia, I so so hear your heart and you are right, it will come and go and sneak up on you, and, ultimately, thankfully, be in the rearview mirror. I love the tribute to your mom who is one of the big saints in my own little roll call of grace. I remember her coming all the way into Brussels to bring me dinner while I studied, taking me for a walk in the woods near Waterloo or out to the castle, riding shotgun with her while we picked up furniture. She truly was an example of walking together down the road of life, letting God love though her. I'm sure she still is! My own worst homesickness was in Grenoble where I spent the dreariest winter of my life. I will pray for sunlight for you! And, across the miles, here is a big, big hug. Love you.
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